There’s so much that I’ve learned in my life, yet there is so much that I still have to learn.
But that’s just the beauty of life: the fact that it is a long winding road that never stops. That even when there is an alleged stop to it - something we refer to as “death” - uncertainty still has yet to leave our souls. But I’ve learned to embrace such ambiguities and turn them into something of high-anticipation rather than absolute dread. This is everything that I hope that a friend will see and be able to understand. That a family member will recognize and be able to remember me by. That a stranger will be able to take a glance at, and feel like they aren’t totally alone, even in their darkest moments. And so these are my life lessons that I leave here for you. That I especially hope to add to my ongoing list of meds-ups, for the future is , FOR SURE, planning to dump a hell-a-lot more onto me: I’ve never quite told anyone this, but this is the secret that goes untold because people are afraid of something - someone - from their past, resurfacing, coming to exact their revenge on them. So, not too long ago, I had this reunion at an old elementary school of mine. Whilst it was an allegedly “happy” moment in time - at least it should have been - the only thing that I felt was sheer dread. I mean, I know that I have so many happy memories from that place because I met people that I will know for a life-time. But I also have terrible memories like being a suck-up because I wanted to be admired, an imposter because I wanted to be someone else that I envied, a liar because I wanted people to like me, and a tattle-tale because I couldn’t handle any concept of “playfulness” or jokes for that matter. Actually, I grew up with this memory of everyone in that school absolutely hating me, which may or may not have been true, but it’s funny: the way the mind can trick you into remembering things that never actually happened or that were never actually said. But even so: I still have this immense fear that , THAT specific past will climb up to bite me in the ass at some point in time when I least expect it. And despite the fact that I’ve grown older - I mean I’m supposed to be wiser but I’m really not - that I’ve matured, that I’ve GROWN to see reality for what it is: I still see reality as something that is a fantasy. And it is because I see reality as a fantasy, that I haven’t been able to let go of those things. Maybe you haven’t been able to let go of them too. But that’s okay, because the day that you are able to let go of everything you’ve held onto, is the day that you are ready to truly accept and acknowledge reality for what it is. Because right now - right at this very moment - the only thing you’ve done is throw your book into a dark well, telling people you’d lost it, even though you purposely put it somewhere that is hard to reach. I’m so ready to open this book and be done. So here is my introduction: Hi, my name is Bella, I am 19 years old and I am so messed up. I am so, so, so messed up in a MULTITUDE of ways. But that entire mess - all of it - is something that I want to preserve for all of time. So that I know, I know that this IS me and that I don’t need to run away from me, from what I’ve done, or from who I was. But I also want to talk to you. And I trust you to be honest with me, as I try to be honest with you: It’s not easy growing up. I suppose that’s a given, even though you might think to yourself that people are crazy for telling you that “things will work out eventually!” See: it’s so easy for you to try to be the pessimist. I bet you were expecting me to say it’s easy to be the “optimist,” but we tend to so easily fall into this vicious cycle of nit-picking ourselves, and shaving ourselves DRY. I mean, look at you: every time someone complements you, despite your efforts to appear as though you’ve accepted it, you still manage to fall short. So much so, that people can see through your mask. You only wear that mask so they can’t READ your face, which shows an obvious disconnect between you and them. Their mouths are moving - spilling out sweet words - but it’s lost in translation. Yeah: you tried getting through highschool with that mask, because you definitely took enough time losing people by showing your “true colors” in elementary and middle school. Yet: you were the most authentic you’d ever been, before highschool. You were even , more so, authentic in elementary school because you put your emotions on full display. But sensitivity, also, didn’t translate well during that period in time. It made you seem unapproachable. Not admirable. And you wanted to be liked, right? Laughing at things that you didn’t understand. Pretending to know about what you didn’t know to appear “cool.” Making fun of people that you didn’t know because everyone else was hopping onto that bandwagon - so why shouldn’t you? But as a child - even though as an adult you might not think so - you took in more damage than you might have realized. Innocence, a child’s innocence, is a term coined by society as a period in time in which children live out their fantasies with happiness and splendor. But what society doesn’t realize is that children are capable of feeling more than they let on. Of thinking more than they appear to do. “ Pain greeted you at an early age. You just didn’t know what to call it at the time. “ Your an adult now though, and all that SHOULD be in the past. But it’s not. I wish I could talk to you in the way I’m writing to you now, and give you a map to get to where you are today. Or some sort of “cheat” so you don’t have to deal with all the hard shit. Unfortunately: that isn’t how life works. Actually life never really “works.” it just “works out.” Saying that “life eventually works out” is something that we, as people, don’t value enough. Instead we view it - with annoyance - as an “optimist’s margarita.” But it’s actually the medicine that, despite its foul taste, did something magical to us in the end. And so: yes, yes, yes you are a mess. But not ALL the mess is bad, for as you start to untie the knots of the life you’ve created: you are finding that there are many ways for you to achieve your end goal, which is just the satisfaction of an undone knot. So as your calloused fingers touch this untouched knot that you have stored somewhere you didn’t want to reach, I hope you start to appreciate it more than you did, and more than you learned to. Did you ever really take the time to know yourself? Because I feel like you’ve only worked to know an enemy for what it is, rather than what it could be: a friend. A friend would know you as such,l: Like I know that you struggle to accept beauty as something that is legitimate. Because in your mind you keep hearing the word “subjectivity,” and translating it as an insult rather than a complement. I know that you haven’t been able to let go, at all, and that you still hold onto grudges against people that have hurt you. Though you also worry that those people hold a grudge against you, because you have hurt them too. I know that there are distinctive memories that appear, every blue moon, reminding you of everything you hate and everything you mustn’t do in the future. Like the idea that you failed a friend, not being able to counsel them through their hard time. Or that you’ve failed a parent by being a grouchy and selfish teenager. Even if I told you that you’ve come so far, from who you were, I know that your pessimist-hermit is only hiding in an optimist shell. I know you feel bad for being negligent of the people you love, and that they think you’ve forgotten them due to your ignorance. You know that an apology will never be enough for months worth of silence - years worth of silence. But you still do it, hoping you rebuild, until you’ve been buried into your work again and forget who is on the outside. You still worry that you aren’t funny enough or quirky enough for people to like you. That your awkwardness, rather than bringing people together, has only caused a rift in your precious relationship. And I know you still think you aren’t enough. But one day you will be enough, not for other people, but for you. And it’s not about impressing the world with your growth, but it’s about disappointing the world with your failure. Recognizing where you have failed. But reaping the benefits of your triumphant return, isn’t something to be taken lightly. Because it’s an honor being in a state of mind where you are willing to be transparent. And one day you’ll reach that stage, even if that isn’t today. - Bella
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Bella (Author)
Hey guys, my name is Bella, and I am currently 18 years-old, pursuing a degree in Marketing at Southern Methodist University. This blog is dedicated to all my successes and failures ( for the latter tends to out weight the former ) and to making the most out of every impending disaster hurtled my way. ArchivesCategories |