This blog will definitely contain descriptions of some of the greatest moments of my life.
But this blog will also contain some of the worst moments in my life. To say that I don't feel like I am living the worst of moment of my life right now, well - I would be lying to say something like that. One of the first steps to growth, no matter who you are, is admitting where you stand now, and how you currently feel. For me, I use the following descriptions: Depressed. Worn Out. Done. Fed-Up. Hysterical. Tired. I can't sit here and pretend to be an optimist when I truthfully, am in a pessimistic state of mind. But what matters is the fact that I am willing to change that, and if you notice in the title: I gave myself the time frame of - A. Single. MONTH. Setting a time frame for yourself doesn't have to be set in stone, but having a tangible goal - like a month for me - gives you a check point where you can evaluate your progress and/or overall growth. I mean, a month for me could be either a days worth, a weeks worth, or a years worth for you, because everyone has different goals attributed to themselves. With that being said, it is important to note that you shouldn't have to work on another person's or even society's time frame for you. To each their own, every person grows in their own unique way for the main goal should be that you are working on YOU and NOT for the sake of others. Honestly, that's a factor I always struggled with: This idea that my growth impacts those around me, which isn't false, but in the sense that I should set aside my own health to suit the needs of those around me. Having that mindset led me to invest the wrong energy or provide unwarranted help to people that was more counterintuitive than helpful. But, once you find that you are in a place where you can give your time to others in a positive and productive manner, well, it makes a world's worth of a difference. Investing time into your current state of mind, is another factor we all tend to ignore. We try our very hardest to ignore how we feel in the present, because we know that there are better things ahead of us for the future. But we also tend to "skip a few blocks ahead" and take on more than we initially bargained for by purposefully neglecting what happening in our lives now. For me, I am looking to transfer to UT from SMU and all I've been thinking about is how much better my life will be once I am able to make that transition. Whilst doing that, I've notice that I am, in a way, pushing aside my responsibilities, and almost forgetting the fact that I still am a student at SMU, and might very well STILL be a student in the event that I don't get into UT. There was a time in my life where I spent my energy speaking of my time away from SMU as if my life will suddenly make a complete 180 and turn right-side up just because I am in a completely new environment . . . But whose to say that is so wrong? Bringing up another point that a friend had to remind me of: You are allowed to want something. I’ve denied myself my right to voice my own concern and distress, because I feel selfish and I grateful. What I am actually afraid of is how other people will see me, that THEY will think I am selfish and ungrateful. The important takeaway from this is that just because you are in an environment that is “good,” doesn’t mean that it HAS to be good for you. I personally feel like SMU hasn’t been a good fit for me, and I think I would fare better in a public school. At the same time, I’ve worked so hard to be where I am, and am not going to settle for less just because of my own worries about how everyone will see me. I couldn’t think of a reasonable conclusion to all of this, but this is my little update as of May 1st, that I hope will improve: Right now I feel so pessimistic of the future, because I’ve refused a couple of poor grades on my tests. My admission to UT seemingly grows smaller every passing day, and I have this sense of dread for if I am not able to get into my dream school. I have one more week to raise my grades and finalize my transcript for the decision. Whether or not that transfer happens, I know that I am going to be fine in the end. My life won’t stop for a brick wall. So why should I?
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Have you ever felt like you aren’t in control of your own legs? Like they, for some reason, always lead you the wrong way and no matter how hard you try to restrain them from walking that way, they just won’t stop? Or maybe it was your mind that felt lost. Wandering from one person to the next whilst contemplating, contemplating “What are they about to say next?” Even your ears, listening for something that seems out of the ordinary, “ Oh she’s definitely *whisper* “
As the indecipherable noises crowd the inner workings of my mind, I slowly lose track of who I’m meant to be. All senses of strength crumble to a single speck of dust, lost to the gentle breeze. Emotions and perceptions, where emotion make us perceive things that just aren’t true, and our insecurities come alive, forming masks on the people around us, disguising kind words with ones of condemnation. I, myself, am bearer of the masks of society, seeking out the villains in people and predicting when their next hit on me will be. For so long, I roamed the streets believing it was I who they were always speaking about: the small comments here and there, meant to pierce skin that’s been already worn down. But in reality, they were speaking of things they’d seen or heard in THEIR present - not mine - and I am forced to confront reality who says “ You feel so unconfident that you are making up words to fit the mouths of the people around you.” From time to time, we will let our insecurities speak and make judgements for us, without thinking twice as to whether or not we should question those judgements. I think, though, that is where we falter, and I am definitely victim to this sort of “vicious cycle” of never-ending thoughts. For me, it’s always been because I needed something tangible, in order to grasp on to something that seemed so surreal to me. Like a friend making a comment about my body being “beautiful,” or calling me a nice person. My first reaction is “Oh there’s no way they think that about me,” because I couldn’t fathom that I, truly, might be beautiful. Reaching the phase of acceptance is not an easy task, because we are so caught up in our own thoughts and self-critiques that we forget to, you know, smell the roses every once in a while. Instead of doing that, though, we resort to fight-or-flight by building our walls, already too tall, even higher or asserting everything to be fact. Or we become like a cat, once scared, we jump and cling to everything we can, our claws razor sharp. I know I’ve definitely experienced, and still experience, this phase of self-defense, making up my own conclusions about people I barely even know . . . But then you miss out on making friends with people that could have been some of the best. You miss out on learning from individuals that are some of the brightest. You miss out on appreciating the good, the kindness, the beauty of people. And then you regret it. You regret not getting to know a person sooner, because you felt like you needed to compete with them. You regret not having a relationship with a sibling or a cousin because you wanted to prove that you were the better one in the family. I can honestly say, as someone who is guilty of this mistake, that I regret it too and that this is not the type of life that I want to cultivate for myself. But how, Bella, do you come out of it? Once you hit the point in your life where you realize everything is completely subjective, such as beauty, then life doesn’t seem so bad anymore. That seems like such a bland answer, but there is so much to truth to it. You’ll learn that nothing is identical, and that every thing is unique and built to be looked upon as simply that: unique. We are not made for comparisons, for we are all made up of the same kind of good but a different kind of build, and the people that are meant to love us, and give us words of affirmation, are meant only for us. This toxic mentality, grind-culture, if you will, which doesn’t excuse itself from physical personas as much as it is toxic academic environments, is something we have to overcome all together. This could mean confronting your own insecurities with a head-on approach, and learning to work with who you already are, versus who you just have to be. Self-love certainly doesn’t come easy, but it’s worth taking a jab at. |
Bella (Author)
Hey guys, my name is Bella, and I am currently 18 years-old, pursuing a degree in Marketing at Southern Methodist University. This blog is dedicated to all my successes and failures ( for the latter tends to out weight the former ) and to making the most out of every impending disaster hurtled my way. ArchivesCategories |